Only With You
by Detective Jules
Summary: Harm helps Meg to get over her worst phobia.


ONLY WITH YOU  
  
Disclaimers: They belong to Donald P. Bellisario, Bellisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount.   
  
Happy b'day Yvi, you asked for it!  
  
Big thanx for Brit for last minute betaing! *hugs*  
  
Special thanx to the DB, if that wasn't such a bunch of piled up shitfaces this fic wouldn't exist.   
  
By cat  
  
Only With You  
  
1430 local time  
  
aboard a train somewhere in West Virginia  
  
"24, 26, huh 34? Have you seen seats 20 and 22, Harm?" The tall blonde NAVY Lieutenant asked her partner.  
  
"Nope, it started with 16 and 18 and 43 or something on the other side. But this isn't wagon number 503 either." He replied pretty annoyed.  
  
"Yeah, cause there is NO number 503!" They continued to make their way through the crowded train, hoping to find a couple of vacant seats for the next six hours.   
  
After climbing over tons of baggage they arrived in the bike compartment. "Ok, this isn't exactly first class, but two seats!" Meg announced and set her huge duffel down, showing that she would not climb over a dozen piled up bikes. "Oh look at this! There's even a socket, I can hook up my laptop. Maybe this ain't that bad after all." Then she noticed the sign under the socket. "But then again, I need more power than I could get outta this. Damn, no laptop." She sighed and dropped down on the seat next to her bag.  
  
Harm closely looked at her. "Aww, are you actually pouting? How cute!"  
  
She just rolled her eyes. "I'll show you just how cute I am!" That was followed by her splashing him some water out of the bottle she had just bought. "Besides, what did I tell you? We should have rented a car. Trains suck! I hate trains! And smear that grin outta your face. One more 'C'mon Meg, it's adventurous' and I swear I'm gonna hurt you!"   
  
Harm flinched. "Uh oh, that bad?"  
  
"Worse!" she muttered glaring.  
  
"I'm sorry. I promise next time we'll rent a car." He flashes her an apologetic smile.  
  
"Forget it! There won't be a next time! If you ever feel like playing divorce lawyer again without me! I didn't object when you asked to spend two of my precious weeks of holiday to accompany you to New Jersey because you thought you needed my help with the divorce of your stepfather's cousin. I didn't leave you alone with that after I found out he's actually a chronic philanderer and not the picture perfect guy he pretended to be. I followed you to West Virginia after he ticked out and took his ex-wife hostage to 'go on a second honeymoon' with her. I was right there at your side when he, armed to the edge, was determined to shoot us before he'd let his wife go again. I even posed as a stripper because you made him believe that was his present for being the cheesy motel's 1000th guest. Ok, I admit, that worked, I got his wife out of peril, you nailed him and put him into a loony-bin. The divorce is final, everybody should be happy again. But noooooooooooooo, you decide to give me a mustard icing for my chocolate cake! Go home again by train! That, Harmon Rabb, was the worst idea of your life! And now sit down, don't move, keep an eye on my baggage, I'm gonna find some chocolate!" A last glare and Meg was on her way to the restaurant aboard. Driven by just one thought: *CANDY!*  
  
Harm desperately hoped that sugar in her veins would calm her temper. This was the complete opposite of what he had had in mind. All flights back to DC had already been overbooked, so Meg had suggested to just get a rental and drive back. But after the past weeks he had thought they were both too exhausted to drive all the way back, so he had booked them on a train. But Meg was less than thrilled about that. And he still didn't have the slightest idea why Meg hated trains so much. But he hoped he'd find out. Or rather she'd open up and fill him in.  
  
20 minutes later she returned, her hands full of a variety of chocolate bars. Completely ignoring the fact that she wasn't travelling alone she plopped down and made herself as comfortable as she could on the tiny seat. Delightful the first caramel crème filled chunk of unhealthy ingredients got unwrapped. Harm watched her repeat this procedure of removing foil followed by concentrating on sucking and nibbling away the sweet pleasure for a good quarter of an hour before he had to speak up again: "Meg"   
  
Apparently she still didn't feel like conversation of any kind. "Shut up!" Instead she tossed him a piece of her delicious treasure. "Chocolate is a serious thing!"   
  
"Uh yeah, of course. Thank You." Harm didn't know what else to say. Until he saw her grin. "Does this mean you're forgiving me?" Of course he returned the grin.  
  
"Uhm maybe." She finished her recent Snickers or whatever the last she had was. Harm had lost count.   
  
"You were right about one thing though." Meg's admission got him curious.   
  
But it was good to know that for turning Meg the furious back into the wonderful woman he loved having around was a healthy, well actually unhealthy amount of chocolate. "I was?"  
  
She yawned. "Yeah, I am really exhausted."   
  
"Aww then sleep a little" He had no idea, if he did it out of some spur of the moment instinct or because he just didn't think at all. But he held his arms open to her. "Come here."  
  
She smiled at him thankfully and snuggled up in his arms. It wasn't long until sleep had taken over her soft form. Gently he wrapped her up in his jacket and watched her sleep. Every now and then he'd tenderly stroke strands of hair out of her face and behind her ears.  
  
After a while, his own exhaustion put him into a peaceful sleep. Passing travelers mistook them for a lovely couple, probably on their honeymoon.  
  
Hours later Harm woke up as Meg squirmed in his embrace. Her face was covered in cold sweat and her expression made it clear, that she was having a nightmare. Not wanting her to suffer, Harm cradled her even more. "Meg. Shh, Meg, wake up."  
  
"No! No! Don't take her away!" She cried in her sleep.  
  
"Meg, sweet Meg, please wake up, it's just a bad dream." In addition to his soothing words and comforting touches, he placed a soft kiss on her temple and eventually she woke up from the pain of her dream. She opened her eyes and what Harm saw in them then hadn't been there before for as long as he knew her: shock, fear, sadness, mourning, unbelievable pain.  
  
"Harm, oh Harm!" She was glad he woke her up from this nightmare. One that she hadn't had in a very long time.  
  
"It's ok, I'm here. It's gonna be ok again." Sensing that she just needed to be held, he did just that as she buried her face in his neck and allowed her tears to stream. Rocking her back and forth he somehow knew that these tears and the nightmare that made them flow came from deep within. An old scar in her soul had opened up and he blamed himself for that. He had brought her onto this train and hadn't listened to her objection beforehand. How could he be so blind? How could he not notice that her unwillingness to board a train wasn't because of some 'I just don't have the nerve right now' mood but due to something she wasn't ready to share yet. He couldn't believe she'd rather go through this hell than tell him what was wrong. But what he knew was, that she must have had her reasons.  
  
Eventually her sobs subsided and the tears dried out. But even though she seemed to be calm again, Harm just kept on holding her and she kept on holding onto him. "Hey Harm, look at this." Meg exclaimed.   
  
"What?" Harm looked around. The formerly crowded place had become empty during the last hours.   
  
"It's just you and me." Giving into the urge she got up and stretched.  
  
"Yeah, quite romantic, eh?" With a twinkle in his eyes and his lips curved up to a smile he followed her example. "Hey, want me to grab some sandwiches or something?"  
  
"No!" Meg took his hands. "Please just just stay with me." This plead was merely a whisper.  
  
"Sure. I'm right here. I just thought you might be hungry or something." Once again he added a sincere and caring smile to his words.  
  
"No thanks, I'm just fine." Her reply was as absent minded as her look out of the window. She seemed to stare at something that wasn't really there. Her eyes didn't follow the passing landscape but were fixed on the glass of the window or maybe it was the slight hint of her own reflection mirrored there, that kept her gaze.   
  
"Oh Meg." Harm couldn't help it. He was concerned. Their hands still linked he sat down again and pulled her in his lap.   
  
Though he didn't want to say the words Meg could see the question that was burning in his eyes: 'Why?'   
  
Even though she trusted him with her love and life she was still contemplating if she could tell him. Only very few people knew the answer to his question. But only because they had been there back then. They knew the pain. It was different for them though. All of them had feared they had lost Meg as well on this particular day. No counseling helped her through it. It had seemed as if her childhood was over the moment it had happened and even years after the incident she kept on blaming herself. She hadn't ever told anyone before.  
  
But when she looked into Harm's eyes she felt he had the right to know. "Listen, this is going to be very hard for me. I haven't ever shared this particular thing about my past with anyone else before. And it's not likely I ever will again."  
  
Harm nodded in response. He was glad that Meg would let him in on it.  
  
She swallowed. "The reason why I hate trains so much is because  
  
We were eight years old and often played around where we weren't supposed to go. Like at the railway track." She paused.   
  
"You and?" Once more he pulled her even closer, in order to show her that he was there for her and would comfort her no matter what.  
  
"Me and Samantha. My twinsister." As the words were spoken the tears emerged her eyes again. Even after all these years she still cried for her.   
  
"Oh my God Meg. I had no idea, I'm so sorry, I'm" Harm was in utter shock.  
  
But Meg cut him off. "Shh, there's no way you could have known."  
  
"But still, I" He felt like the SOB of the century.  
  
She cut him off again. "No, don't feel bad. None of this is your fault. The moment I stepped on this train I knew the memories would resurface. I guess in some way I might have wanted them to. I will never forget."  
  
Harm cupped her face and gently stroked her silent tears away. "Oh God Meg, I am so sorry, I don't know what to say"  
  
"Just listen." It already meant a lot to her that Harm was holding her in his arms. "Her foot got stuck somehow. She pulled and pulled but it didn't help. So I had just told her to hang on while I'd get help from home as we noticed the train approach. We screamed as loud as we possibly could, I yanked at her leg, tried to get her foot out of the shoe. But nothing we tried worked, the train came closer and closer incredibly fast." Her voice trailed off and she swallowed. Not even trying to hold back the tears she buried her face into Harm's chest.  
  
Knowing that there was nothing he could say to ease her pain and that she had to let it all out, he simply wrapped his arms around her shaking body and stroked through her hair.  
  
After a while of just letting the horrid memories numb her Meg was able to blink away the pictures in her mind again. "At the same time it was as if time stood still. Sam and I looked at each other and back to the train. I was still standing in the middle of the track, not able to give up on her. I believed I could get her out somehow before it was too late. But I think Sam already knew she was going to die. She pulled me into a tight embrace, kissed me on the cheek one last time and said "I will always love you Meg." She saved my life by shoving me off the track since I was unable to move. After that everything went black. The next thing I remember is waking up in my brother's arms and hearing mom cry next to us. I knew Sam was gone and I just wanted to die as well. I tried to get out of my brother's lap, but he held me tight. As hard as I could I pounded my fists into him and probably shocked by that he let me go. I ran into our room, locked the door, screamed, cried, and kicked everything. I blamed myself. It had been my idea to go to the railway track, I was angry, full of hate and pain. I hated myself because I couldn't do anything and I hated her because she had just left me alone like that. It hurt so bad. We were one, we belonged together. Everything I could think of was 'What if?' What if I hadn't suggested going there? What if I had just pulled at her harder? What if I had been a better girl? And why her? Why not me? Why did she have to push me away? Why couldn't I have died with her? I started to throw all of my toys out of the window, I thought I didn't deserve them. I decided to never laugh again, to never feel joy again. My life had ended with her. Everybody thought they had lost both of us that day. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been for all of them. To deal with Sam's death but at the same time having to try everything and anything to make me see it wasn't my fault and understand that even though Sam had died I hadn't. I hated them for that. They didn't understand. She was my identical twin. We couldn't be without one another. It was either both or no one. That was the way it had always been, the way I was used to it. I couldn't face that life had to go on without her. For months I didn't even speak. They tried every imaginable thing, but nothing worked, her death was killing me. I refused to eat or sleep until I ended up at the hospital and after that I just existed. I did what I had to do, no more, no less."   
  
Harm was shocked. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't believe that Meg, his spunky, pretty Meg had lived through such horrible times. The girl she was describing was nothing like the Meg he knew. She was a fountain of happiness, twinkling eyes, the most incredible smile and nothing that hinted at such a tragedy in her childhood. His own eyes wet, he pressed his lips against her forehead.   
  
Meg smiled a little. "But then one day I made up my mind. I realized Sam wouldn't want me to vegetate like that. So I decided to live my life to the fullest. To live it for the both of us." She smiles even more as another memory races through her brain. A happy one, the one of two young girls running around, giggling, laughing, hugging and enjoying their time together. They blink as flash temporarily blinds them. Meg removes just that picture from one of her pockets. She obviously always carries it around.  
  
His arms still around Meg he looked at the photo. "That you do Meg. You're the most wonderful and most amazing woman I know and you have absolutely no idea how much my life has changed for the better since I know you. And I bet Samantha is incredibly proud of you." He gave her his special smile to emphasize his words and then looked deep into her eyes. They were sparkling and her smile was back again. Seeing that, his heart jumped with joy.   
  
She looked back deep into his eyes, returning this unique gaze. "Thank you!" she said as the train drove into the station. They gathered up their belongings and got of the train in peaceful silence. The had never needed words to communicate. Meg just smiled at Harm again, thanking him for listening, thanking him for holding her and most of all thanking him for just being Harm. Now there weren't any more doubts left. She was glad she had told him. It had helped. She stared at the disappearing train, that was growing tiny in the distance. It seemed as if she had finally overcome her train-phobia. Actually she wouldn't mind doing it again. Especially with Harm by her side.  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
